In that weird in between place

I'm in that weird in between place between crisis and normalcy and its weirdly uncomfortable in a non de-script type of way. I think of Elise all of the time but it doesn't instinctively elicit the intense emotional reaction any more. The shear magnitude of energy and time required for school doesn't allow for much else. I'm going to just really be focused on grades this semester. With two math courses and a retake of Java it is not such an intellectually exciting proposition but a good structured means to an end.

Elise promptly replied to my email requesting that she mail Dittmar to take her name off of the lease. Her response was very polite but with no love in it (my interpretation) which is still throwing me a bit even though I read it four hours ago. Of course I am listening to the apropriate music for a moment like this.

"Exile in Guyville" (Liz Phair)

Breakups suck, no way around that. They also crush you or make you stronger. I'm getting my strength back, my creativity is returning yet I still know that something essential is missing. Anyway Elise you have taken enough of my attention for today even though crap I still love you.

Well work study and a paycheck is tapping my shoulder. Ciao for now ...................

First quiz of this semester...

First quiz of this semester in Mark 105 ____ be, looking forward for a three day or ____ we can. listen

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Wow, Jott.com sure messed up that transcription. It should have read as follows:
"First quiz of this semester in Math 105. I think I passed, maybe even a B. Looking forward to a three day Labor Day weekend."

Her Absence Hit Me Like a Truck Speeding By

You know that feeling of having all the air suck away when something big like a train goes by you quickly.  That is what I'm going through.  Out of the blue I really, terribly miss Elise.  I'm home after a late day at school watching The Fountain.  I just miss the little things, the touch, the glance, her head on my shoulder.  This healing process is like shedding a skin.  I miss you Lisi.

Thoughts on Week 1 at GMU

You know I was just about to post that "wow they finally got the wireless internet working" but then it is now totally crapping out. I have seen some positive changes here. T-Mobile seems to work everywhere. They put up signs so you can find buildings which was sorely needed. Spring is so much zanier than the beginning of fall. I finally got all of my classes registered and spoke to my 2/3 profs about my disability statement. They were both really nice and accommodating about it. Since going through this crisis I have to say I am struck by how compassionate people have been. Anyway while I procrastinate, I am taking pre-calculus and Discrete Mathematics with Set Theory. I guess it gets some of us hot but not me. Strictly a pre-requisite to move on to bigger and better things. I'm totally jazzed about Java. Good prof, I know the material and can probobly do some fun stuff for extra credit. Next on the list...meet some fellow geeks and politicos my age.

Hopefully posting to...

Hopefully posting to my blog via Jott, random thoughts. listen

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First Day of Classes

Holy %8@# Batman I made it through my first day of classes and I did it well. Not a tear until I was in my therapy session. I'm loading up on math this semester. I am taking 125 (Discrete Math & Set Theory). I dropped calculus so I don't repeat last years debacle of putting the time and attention into studying that I need to pass the placement test while not being able to attend to my classes. I felt that even if I could pass without falling behind I was just too unprepared and would ultimately not get the GPA that I want. Ahh it is humbling to accept one's limits. I am instead going to take Math 105 which is pre-calc. I wasn't able to register but checked the math department's requirements and I did score high enough on the test last spring so they should manually put me in the class. I'm pretty excited to re-take CS211 (Java) because I know the course and the professor Dan Fleck is a great teacher and person.

I still miss Elise desperately and hope that one day we can be at least friends if not reconciled and married. I need to give her some space and in a couple of weeks will see if she is open to meeting in person in a couple of months. The end of any relationship is not the fault of any one person but I have to take the lions share of the responsibility for this one. Before I can rebuild a relationship with her, or anyone for that matter I need to heal myself and continue to work on and develop the support systems that I need to stay healthy.

Lisi I just hope you sleep well tonight and that you are happy.

Chat with Helen

Helen's first words to me are "Daddy I'm exhausted." She went camping with Natalie and some other friends for the past couple of nights. She then came home this morning and went to a tea party, dressed up of course. God I hope that someone posts some photos. It was a quick call since she was so wiped. I love my child. She is everything that is right about the world.

Sunday Morning AA

I went to my second AA meeting this morning. Its hard to tell if it helps or not. Right now I am simply going for the fellowship with other people since I don't feel this overwhelming urge to drink. I didn't talk, just listened. Was stifling the urge to openly cry. I do have to say Karen is right in the sense that you do hear snippets of your own life in the stories that other's tell. I'm thinking of trying another group since this one is both far away and pretty small. I don't feel a connection to it. Maybe that is me or maybe it is the group. Anyway many, many tears flowed on the ride home. I cannot get Elise out of my head. I hope that I can focus on school, take care of myself emotionally and physically, and get past this relationship or fix it. Ahh, but that is the problem, that I think it is salvageable. Elise has made her desires clear.

Partly Sunny, Partly Cloudy

Well my parent's showed up for another extended stay last night. Bless them.

This morning I really overslept and missed AA and swimming. Will do that tomorrow.

Today's weather (aka my emotional state) was turbulent and changed frequently gaining a brief mention on the weather channel. I needed to borrow the folks car this morning to run some errands and noticed a major design flaw. The car only has windshield wipers on the outside. The amount of precipitation generated inside the car was considerable but did not make driving conditions dangerous.

Upon getting home my folks were getting ready for the day. Thank god they sleep late. We went to Cosi. Nothing exciting but it was good to get out. I told them I wanted to go home and would walk to the metro. By this point I was in some type of emotional shock with all types of thoughts about how to deal with the end of my relationship with the woman that I love. I had delusions of the phone ringing and Elise saying she had made a big mistake and wanted to come home to the floodgates opening when reality hit a little closer. I finally decided that I will try to write a letter saying we both need time to heal and get over our relationship but I need to know we will be friends at some point in the future. Delusional, mental double talk, probably but right now whatever gets me through the day is OK. I'll run this by my therapist on Monday. Hoping to make a flight out to California in October or November when things have had time to settle down and heal.

Night all. Please continue to send your love and thoughts.

K.

Today is Elise Karen Burrow's 44th Birthday

Coming to terms with the finality of Elise's breakup is incredibly hard on my emotionally. I have been crying more than I ever have in my life. At times I see the sun shining through. I sent out an email to friends and family including mutual friends. The response was incredible with over 20 replies in a few days expressing love and compassion. I have it hanging from my ceiling to remind me that I am not alone, that I am loved. The hardest thing is that I physically do not have anyone here for something I desperately need, a hug.

I alternate between the realization that I need to simply accept Elise's wishes and her need to move on without me, and this desperate need to try to win her back. To explain to her that things are really fixable. I know that I could do that if I saw her in person for a day or two. I so, so wish that she would talk to me on the phone. Aside form my pain I just cannot help but feel that she is throwing away something precious in an attempt to protect her physical, emotional, and financial health. As our friend Karen said "I don;t doubt that you love her, (how could anyone not!)..."

I have to ask you so many questions Elise. Why did you do all of this so suddenly and drastically? Why did you completely cut me out of communications once you made your decision? There is more but I am so exhausted. I have to start school in three days. Emotionally I am wreck and I am way behind on my studies and work commitments.

Anyway I will focus on the positives. I have an amazing daughter Helen and family that really cares about me. Although it is hard I have the opportunity to go back to school. That is all for now.

Hopefully I will be able to write about the things that interest me soon; architecture & art and how beauty is as necessary to us as food. My wonderful, wonderful daughter Helen. My unique views on computers and how they can make the world a better place. About being a hopeless idealist even at the age of 42. Community/container garden. To see what I am really thinking about check out my bookmark tags at http://delicious.com/tags/kevindiffily . .

Coping with Elise Karen Burrows leaving me

This is a picture of the women that I love. Isn't she beautiful. This is the women to whom I was engaged to in June, who moved her things out in July, and told me a couple of nights ago via email that it was over. My heart is totally broken. I have so many thoughts but the words are not coming tonight. I just so wish my "Lisi" had made the decision to try again. Tomorrow is your birthday Elise so happy birthday.

I will always love you.....