Anger, Moving On, and My Own Demons

I would love to have a drink right now, probably a few, but I choose not too.  I took an entire day off from school today because of my demons.  And I am getting tired of them.  I want to exorcise Elise from my heart, thoughts, and home.  I have asked her to deal with the physical objects that she has left here.  I simply want to put them in the dumpster but will give her the chance to have them picked up or pay me the postage to get them out.  I am in the "angry" stage right now.  Elise you dumped me with no warning and no notice and you did it via email.  Shame on you.  You then led me to believe that there was hope for 2 months but kept all of the control.  Communication was severely restricted by your choosing and all of the choices and decisions about us were made by you.  You should be ashamed.  I would never have done that to you.  No human being shuts out their significant other so abruptly and harshly if they have a shred of decency.  And what about your step-daughter Helen?  Yes it is painful for you to deal with but she has not heard your voice in close to four months and all she received was a pathetic letter from you a week ago.   I am so angry at myself for not seeing that you weren't capable of being a parent when it gets hard.  You have hurt that child and you need to do everything in your power to talk, and fix things with her.  She doesn't have the vocabulary to tell me what she is thinking but your actions have profoundly hurt her.  I hope you grow up and stop hiding behind your disability and take some adult responsibilities upon yourself.  Your needs do not trump those around you.  I could go on but I have to be up in 5 hours and as usual cannot sleep.  I doubt you will read this anyway.

In that weird in between place

I'm in that weird in between place between crisis and normalcy and its weirdly uncomfortable in a non de-script type of way. I think of Elise all of the time but it doesn't instinctively elicit the intense emotional reaction any more. The shear magnitude of energy and time required for school doesn't allow for much else. I'm going to just really be focused on grades this semester. With two math courses and a retake of Java it is not such an intellectually exciting proposition but a good structured means to an end.

Elise promptly replied to my email requesting that she mail Dittmar to take her name off of the lease. Her response was very polite but with no love in it (my interpretation) which is still throwing me a bit even though I read it four hours ago. Of course I am listening to the apropriate music for a moment like this.

"Exile in Guyville" (Liz Phair)

Breakups suck, no way around that. They also crush you or make you stronger. I'm getting my strength back, my creativity is returning yet I still know that something essential is missing. Anyway Elise you have taken enough of my attention for today even though crap I still love you.

Well work study and a paycheck is tapping my shoulder. Ciao for now ...................

Her Absence Hit Me Like a Truck Speeding By

You know that feeling of having all the air suck away when something big like a train goes by you quickly.  That is what I'm going through.  Out of the blue I really, terribly miss Elise.  I'm home after a late day at school watching The Fountain.  I just miss the little things, the touch, the glance, her head on my shoulder.  This healing process is like shedding a skin.  I miss you Lisi.

Thoughts on Week 1 at GMU

You know I was just about to post that "wow they finally got the wireless internet working" but then it is now totally crapping out. I have seen some positive changes here. T-Mobile seems to work everywhere. They put up signs so you can find buildings which was sorely needed. Spring is so much zanier than the beginning of fall. I finally got all of my classes registered and spoke to my 2/3 profs about my disability statement. They were both really nice and accommodating about it. Since going through this crisis I have to say I am struck by how compassionate people have been. Anyway while I procrastinate, I am taking pre-calculus and Discrete Mathematics with Set Theory. I guess it gets some of us hot but not me. Strictly a pre-requisite to move on to bigger and better things. I'm totally jazzed about Java. Good prof, I know the material and can probobly do some fun stuff for extra credit. Next on the list...meet some fellow geeks and politicos my age.

First Day of Classes

Holy %8@# Batman I made it through my first day of classes and I did it well. Not a tear until I was in my therapy session. I'm loading up on math this semester. I am taking 125 (Discrete Math & Set Theory). I dropped calculus so I don't repeat last years debacle of putting the time and attention into studying that I need to pass the placement test while not being able to attend to my classes. I felt that even if I could pass without falling behind I was just too unprepared and would ultimately not get the GPA that I want. Ahh it is humbling to accept one's limits. I am instead going to take Math 105 which is pre-calc. I wasn't able to register but checked the math department's requirements and I did score high enough on the test last spring so they should manually put me in the class. I'm pretty excited to re-take CS211 (Java) because I know the course and the professor Dan Fleck is a great teacher and person.

I still miss Elise desperately and hope that one day we can be at least friends if not reconciled and married. I need to give her some space and in a couple of weeks will see if she is open to meeting in person in a couple of months. The end of any relationship is not the fault of any one person but I have to take the lions share of the responsibility for this one. Before I can rebuild a relationship with her, or anyone for that matter I need to heal myself and continue to work on and develop the support systems that I need to stay healthy.

Lisi I just hope you sleep well tonight and that you are happy.

Sunday Morning AA

I went to my second AA meeting this morning. Its hard to tell if it helps or not. Right now I am simply going for the fellowship with other people since I don't feel this overwhelming urge to drink. I didn't talk, just listened. Was stifling the urge to openly cry. I do have to say Karen is right in the sense that you do hear snippets of your own life in the stories that other's tell. I'm thinking of trying another group since this one is both far away and pretty small. I don't feel a connection to it. Maybe that is me or maybe it is the group. Anyway many, many tears flowed on the ride home. I cannot get Elise out of my head. I hope that I can focus on school, take care of myself emotionally and physically, and get past this relationship or fix it. Ahh, but that is the problem, that I think it is salvageable. Elise has made her desires clear.