Anger, Moving On, and My Own Demons

I would love to have a drink right now, probably a few, but I choose not too.  I took an entire day off from school today because of my demons.  And I am getting tired of them.  I want to exorcise Elise from my heart, thoughts, and home.  I have asked her to deal with the physical objects that she has left here.  I simply want to put them in the dumpster but will give her the chance to have them picked up or pay me the postage to get them out.  I am in the "angry" stage right now.  Elise you dumped me with no warning and no notice and you did it via email.  Shame on you.  You then led me to believe that there was hope for 2 months but kept all of the control.  Communication was severely restricted by your choosing and all of the choices and decisions about us were made by you.  You should be ashamed.  I would never have done that to you.  No human being shuts out their significant other so abruptly and harshly if they have a shred of decency.  And what about your step-daughter Helen?  Yes it is painful for you to deal with but she has not heard your voice in close to four months and all she received was a pathetic letter from you a week ago.   I am so angry at myself for not seeing that you weren't capable of being a parent when it gets hard.  You have hurt that child and you need to do everything in your power to talk, and fix things with her.  She doesn't have the vocabulary to tell me what she is thinking but your actions have profoundly hurt her.  I hope you grow up and stop hiding behind your disability and take some adult responsibilities upon yourself.  Your needs do not trump those around you.  I could go on but I have to be up in 5 hours and as usual cannot sleep.  I doubt you will read this anyway.

Trying to get used these weekends on my own.

I haven't been on my own in a number of years. My daughter is back in school for the year and as you know my love Elise has left me for a new life in California. Someone at the D.C. Divorce Support Meetup group asked me what I do for fun and what came to mind was spending time with my family. Hmm, leaves me kinda stuck. Of course there are a lot of diverse and esoteric interests that I have but the foundation of most of it was the Kevin, Elise, & Helen power treo. To be honest it is intimidating to go out on my own in this still new and strange city and get involved. I am going meetup.com crazy and volunteered for an ACLU training next weekend. The reality is that my time is limited after studies, work, and oh yea that mental health thing. I don't know what to say except this is not what I expected. I expected to be married to Elise Burrows, buying a house, starting a career, a couple of pugs Pretty boring. It makes me sad, it makes me lonely. So I try to remain positive, focused and involved. To rememeber the important things I have like friends and family (wish they were closer), reasonable financial security and comfort, and making positive changes in my life.

Any comments, thoughts, and especially hugs sent my symbolically or in person would make a world of difference.